We obviously have this all wrong. Apparently, the public likes to be taken advantage of and we are simply missing the boat. What we need is to invent our own spam. Let’s see what kind of magnificent, life-enhancing, Iambe-istic scheme we can come up with. First let’s set up some basic fundamental rules:
1. It should fit in to the 5 basic needs (remember Maslow from your sociology class?)
2. It should be reasonably priced (I’m not real sure what that means these days??)
3. It must awaken some hidden desire that heretofore has been unattainable.
4. It should be legal to send through the mail.

Pambe Cream – Positive Anti-Memory Bravery Experience (Pambe) Cream will give you the excitement you really desire in your life. No more couch potato for you. Rub in a little Pambe Cream and within minutes you will start to feel braver. Perfect for those difficult times like:
– Job Interviews
– Asking that Hottie at the office for a [$sexual_act]
– Telling your Boss Off (see bullet #1)

Within a few hours the anti-memory kicks in and you will forget all about what an ass you just were.

Ignorance is bliss!

Send only $19.95 for a 1 oz bottle. Not available in stores.

Mmmm…it’s delicious!  It’s nutritious!  It’s actually neither of these!  It’s SPAM!

The e-mail variety.  Yeah, we all get them.  Most of us hate them.  The gubbermint, Steve Jobs, Bill Gates, and many other people are all trying to devise ways to get rid of them.  But…should we?

 Yes.  Of course.  Don’t be silly.  Thats one of the dumber questions I have heard.  Still…they DO have entertainment value.

Some nice guy in Nigeria lost his father in Sierra Leone, and wants to send me money.  Except he didn’t actually lose his father, he lost his fathers BACK.  A mistake in translation?  Perhaps…or maybe his father is nothing more now then a beer gut, limbs and head.  There is a governmental thing out there…people without backs are not allowed to have property.  And now, maybe, just maybe, the son is losing his back too, and wants to get to America where we don’t discriminate against the spinal column challenged, and wants me to help him.

The girls next door want me and my horse…errr….you get the idea.  I thought about asking them how they got the idea that I have a horse.  I also considered why they want it, when there are easier and more hygenic things to do.  Not to mention why they are calling themselves girls, when they are actually all guys.

Ebay is suspending my account until I update my security.  Alas, the links to do this are wrong…some poor schmoe at Ebay probably had a bad day and typed in the address to an almost identical location.  Ironically, the web link on how to tell if an e-mail from ebay is a spoof trying to get my security details is actually the right one.

Perhaps the e-mail telling me how to “get bigger, faster, without the need for pills, creams or pumps” when pertaining to my male anatomy is legit.  I suspect they are simply pictures and simple hand exercises, and effects are merely temporary.  On the other hand, I’ll occasionally get on that DOESN’T refer to my anatomy, and I have to stop and wonder…with all the diets out there, are there really people that WANT to get bigger in size, height, weight…why not just wear lifts and eat lots of fried foods?

My favorites are the weight loss ones, though.  Apparently someone loves me, and doesn’t want me to die, and is really concerned about my being overweight.  That’s why they want me to go out and buy lots of expensive programs, pills, and lotions…you know this sounds just like the other spam?  One wants me to increase, the other wants me to decrease.  Maybe they have a sharing program, or the pills are multi use?  Shift from one to the other.  For the record, I am 5′11″, weigh 165, and before the fitness center shut down, was benching 90, with an increase in weight of 5 lbs every couple weeks.  Not bad for an accountant with a desk job.  I suspect the person that loves me and thinks I am overweight is anorexic and has to avoid strong breezes.

Mortgage?  Yes please!  I would love one!  Will a house come with it?  And if it does, is there a cream or pill I can use on it to make it bigger?

Hmmm…here is one that says they can get me a date.  Well, it costs as much as dating, so I can use the service or I can date the women they send me, but not both.  Pity.

 I bet they think I have a horse, too.

Actually, you know what?  I don’t care.  Yup…I am putting forth my notice that I am formally opting out of the celebrity watch.

 Anyone that knows me knows this shouldn’t be a shock.  I haven’t actually paid much attention to the rich and famous, except in regards to planning on how I was going to get them audited by the IRS.  I didn’t read about them in the paper, I didn’t watch them on TV, and in the magazines…I only read them for the pictures.

 Mmm…drama.  Nope, sorry…I don’t put up with it in real life…why should I care about the drama from people on another coastline?  Sure, Lindsey Lohan is allegedly cute…but why should I care?  I’ll never meet her.   Anna Nicole Smith…why is she even FAMOUS?  Did Princess Diana have an affair?  Not nearly as important as helping friends, whose SO’s DID have one.

An actor speaks out about politicians…my gosh, I’m going to listen to someone whose entire job is to repeat everything he is told to repeat?  Ditto politicians opinions on actors.  An actor gets upset at his daughter for blowing off his very limited time with her…yet again.  I think social services would be a better person to contact, not NBC news.  Don’t ask me.  I’m to busy remembering the bruises on the vet assistants body right before she got the courage to leave her abusive husband.

I fail to gather any ability to worry about the celebrities going into rehab for booze, drugs, abuse, or for calling someone homosexual.  It isn’t a get out of jail free card, and we all know it won’t help.  I think I’ll save my emotions for the kid down the street whose dad takes meth.

An actor died?  How sad for his family.  Maybe.  They COULD just hire someone to play the role of the deceased.  Yawn.  Sorry, I was too busy hosting a birthday party for my girlfriends brother, since his mom couldn’t make it.  She’d died of cancer early that morning.  Now, years later and a lifetime past…making sure he had a good time before having to go home and facing everything is still etched in my head.  The actor…who was he?

 You see…famous people just aren’t IMPORTANT to me.  They aren’t role models.  They aren’t mommy and daddy figures.  The roles they play on the screen entertain me…but really…a lot of people could do that.  I should know…I’ve done it myself, and I SUCK at acting.  I’m a lousy liar, y’know.  Still…the real actors…with their divorce rates, their affairs, their substance abuse, their suicides and murders and scandals, their lack of any other talent or use or role in society…not as worthwhile as the guy that does my main deliveries.  Sure, he can’t read or write, but yeesh…he’s an expert at driving that huge truck, wrangling cabinets and flats, scheduling deliveries…and best of all, he’s never been arrested for being stupid.

So all celebrities…you are on notice.  I will pay more attention to the lives of my WoW characters (as in less then none) then I will your lives.  I will watch the movies never knowing your real names.  I won’t be able to tell anyone who you are because Iwill never bother to learn.  This will continue until you do something of benefit to society ON YOUR OWN.  Don’t hop on a bandwagon, don’t link your name to a cause, don’t join in a benefit concert with all your friends, and expect me to care who you are.  It doesn’t count…it’s the same thing as being on tv and fussing because you don’t have your way with a busboy.  Someone else is still doing everything behind the scenes for you and you reap the benefits.

Start your own charity.  I would suggest starting a school for orphans…preferably in America, since that is where we all live.  I’m sure all celebrities think there are no American orphans, but I assure you, they do exist, in depressing numbers.  Not to mention in various shapes, sizes, colors, and differing genetic nationalities, in case you still insist on trying to collect the whole set.  Alternatively, how about instead of denouncing the Iraq mess, starting a donation drive in which you will take an active and ongoing role (i.e. actually working in it in a real basis, not just giving over $1,000) to provide the troops with home comforts, letters of support…body armor…support for their loved ones who, despite what you may think, don’t think mommy and daddy in Iraq are all baby killers, but rather, mommy and daddy.

Start your OWN rehab center, but instead of pricey doctors that work on a time basis, have them work on a success basis.  The idea isn’t to dry out so the next hit will feel better, but to work towards ending the addiction.

For what Oprah did, you can start a pretty nice school here in the states, and help a LOT more students get a decent education.  There are a lot of kids that want to learn, that want to improve their lot in life.  So…help them help themselves.  Not a hand out, but a hand up.

There are many things you can do.  These are just a few.  It may be a stretch, but if you want me to care about you, you will have to put forth an effort.  Remember, plastic surgery can only go so far, and then you will be replaced by a younger model.

 Who I will also pay less attention to in real life then making sure my ice shaver is always clean enough to make me a super cool icee during the summer.

Mmm…icee…I think today will be blue raspberry!