We had a meeting with our customer this past week to provide an update on the project status and do a little demo. Things have not been going terribly well in the past and to put it mildly there is a bit of friction/tension in the air at these meetings. To put it bluntly the people who came before us really mucked things up so the customer is somewhat justified in their attitude. Still, it doesn’t make it any easier for those of us who are trying to turn things around and make it right. But I digress….

There is this one guy in a support role to the customer who has the most peculiar (read as incredibly annoying) mannerism. Everything he says is hilarious. At least to him. I’m serious! Literally every comment he makes is followed by this burst of laughter. Most of the comments are edged in sarcasm about our ability to deliver the product.

By the end of the first hour I have begun dreaming of ways to get my hands around his throat and choke the living…. well you know where I am headed here. Two full days of this! This guy could be put to good use in getting confessions out of terrorists. “No. please… I’ll tell you anything just get this guy away from me”.

How can a person not pick up on the fact that no one else is laughing. Or even smiling?

Oh…yeah, actually the demo went quite well and I think we gained some of their confidence back. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing if the result is we get to see more of this “clown”.

I recently had the displeasure of being ill.  It was a surreal experience, and I don’t mean that just from the fever.  On day one, I was a little sick…day two, feeling a little better, day three so bad I called in at work, and day four, back to the grindstone.  It isn’t pleasant (it’s still day four) but with a little prep, you too can enjoy it!

 Look, ok, so you won’t enjoy it.  There is no way to enjoy being sick (without the use of certain medicines).  This’ll help take a LITTLE of the pain away…

Basics: 

When they say drink plenty of clear liquids, beer and vodka do not count.

Paper towels work better then tissues, but are harsher.  Toilet paper is softest, but shreds at the slightest hint of mucus.

Coughing on people gets the line moving.

Out of mind experience without all that pesky jail time!

Trim the nose hairs.  Blowing your nose makes the nose hairs stand out more, and before you know it, you have a small forest out of your nostrils.

Staying home:

Call in more then once a decade.  That way, people won’t be calling to see if you need an ambulance.

Keep an eye on your food stocks.  Make sure you always have food, in other words.  Easily cooked food.

 Do NOT try to cook while sick.  I have no idea what that brown stuff is in my fridge, but it wasn’t there sunday…

Keep the place clean!  That way, when friends and family want to come by and take care of you, you won’t die of shame.  Or tetanus.

Check the expiration dates on medications.  Expired in 2005?  Probably not a good thing to take…this also prevents the weeping that might occur when you discover you will just have to suffer through your symptoms.  Side note…the dang Midol I have been throwing out of my medicine cabinet since 2002 is back again.  No-one has ever even VISITED while needing Midol…

Plan your sick days!  After all, not being able to go anywhere because your not sure where you left your feet, let alone your car keys, means you’re stuck with whats on hand.  Nothing on tv and you’ve seen all the movies you own?  A little planning could have prevented that!

Sleep!  But not on the couch…that way lies a crick in your neck.  Unless you are married, in which case, for marital harmony, you might want to stay as far away from your SO as possible as to prevent infection.

Pets love you, and love being with you, and don’t care that you are sick.  As in, they still demand being fed and walked.  Make arrangements, or do what I did…train them to feed and walk themselves.

Follow the medicines directions.  Especially the part about using machinery.  Yup…more brown stuff in my mixer.

Back to work:

Don’t go.

If you have to go, make sure everyone knows how sick you are so they will avoid you.

Bring your own tissue box.  Tissues are for sick people, and you never know what the last person to touch the box had.  The black plague isn’t COMPLETELY eradicated…

Avoid people with kids.  They will get sick, and take time off.  Then their kids will get sick, and more time off.  In one case, this results in a co-worker coming back with a tan.  Sorry…a rare skin disease that darkens the skin when she gets ill…meanwhile, as the only well person, you get the workload.

Avoid people about to go on vacation.  They will HURT you if they miss their vacation because you got them sick.

Doctors orders to get plenty of rest doesn’t mean you can nap at your desk, especially if everyone knows you haven’t even seen a doctor yet.

Leave early.

Part of my duties at work is to ensure the safe working conditions for all my co-workers.  This is because, for one very simple reason that I will get into shortly, I have been made safety officer.

Why me, the safety officer?  The guy that wants to use tazers on annoying people?  Whose one unfulfilled goal is to have a life size working replica of a catapult?  Who believes in letting people actually have the consequences of their actions instead of protecting them?  I didn’t look busy enough when the call came out.  Not to mention, the free sandwiches at the meetings.

Now, the odd thing is, this position is to be filled by a salaried management person.  Obviously, I am not one of those…something about being insubordinate.  Wasn’t really listening.  Even odder, I don’t even work in this building.  This is just where my office is.  Needless to say, I have only slightly more power over my co-workers then they have over to me…which is to say, none at all.

Remember high school?  Happiest days of our lives, if we were a member of the popular crowd and a jock or cheerleader, and the most miserable days of our lives if we were simply normal?  It taught me a few things.  Most of them can no longer be repeated in an online forum, thanks to the patriot act, but one thing I did learn, was a little psychology.  Oh, and the power of little pieces of paper.  This has bearing on the subject…

There are some people, that no matter how hard you try to impress on them that the way they are doing something, will simply wait until you have left the area and go right on doing what they were.  Their excuses are many…the reason is usually laziness or stupidity.  We use this against them.

We make them go through a safety class, first of all.  We give them every opportunity to ask questions, to learn proper procedures, the do thing right.  However, if they do not, we don’t really care.  See, they sign a piece of paper stating that they understood.  No sign, no work.  No work, no pay.  No pay, no beer.

Then…I wait.  Like Batman (only a lot less cool, but a lot happier, with clothing in brighter colors…you should see the floral Hawaiian shirt I wear at work on the weekends!), waiting in the shadows, I lurk, waiting for someone to do something that, should I not act, would eventually nominate themselves, if not for the Darwin award, then at least for Workman’s Compensation.  Then I pounce.

Verbal warning.  “Don’t do that.  Here, use this.”  I would say that 95% of the people that work here bear me no ill will for this, and are perfectly willing to do the right thing.  Especially since I try not to be condescending, rude, or inconsiderate to them.  I’ll even pitch in if they need a hand.

Have to.  They still won’t let me have a tazer.

On the other hand, there is a small segment of the population that fit into the aforementioned group of stupid lazy people.

The conversation goes like this.  “Hey man…that’s not cool.  Here, use the safety stuff, procedures, and help.”  “Not going to.”  “Look man…you have to.  We just want you to be safe.”  “No way man…I’m doing it this way.  What are you going to do about it.  Nothing.”  “That’s right.  But hey…that’s cool.  I don’t have to.”  “That’s right…you can’t do nothing.”  “I mean…I’ve warned you, and I have a piece of paper saying you understand that you’re supposed to do it properly.  You’re deliberately and flagrantly refusing to do so, so my hands are tied.  Especially when you hurt yourself and your request for workman’s comp, insurance, or disability are denied through your willful acts.  I tried my best.  Good luck with a lifetime of pain and high medical bills!  Now all I have to do is try my best to not laugh at you when you hurt yourself.”

They usually get the message.  And if not…I try my best not to laugh at them.

No, not the box… This is a really nice music website I ran across that just really wins hands-down over the traditional online radio stations. With Pandora you key in a song or artist that you like and through some slick algorithms it analyzes the “components” of the music and begins presenting you with similar things from different artists. I bought a three month subscription after trying it out and I will definitely be renewing when the time comes.

You can set up multiple personal channels for different moods and rate the music as it goes. It constantly refines it’s interpretation of “what you like”.

A remarkable service! Check it out at pandora.com

Having been in the online dating groups for a long time, I’ve discovered that people have a tendency to, shall we say, misrepresent themselves.  Just a little?  Being the masochist that I am, I’d continued on the scene, compiling a list of terms and phrases in the hopes to spare someone else the attention of psycho hose beasts.

And for the record, I have used match.com and e-harmony.  Neither has worked.  I blame the small town I live in…after all, it couldn’t possibly be me.

For the ladies:  terms and phrases men use, and what they really mean.

“I’m old fashioned.”  Barefoot and pregnant, and my dinner better be warm!

“Must love dogs.”  Because I have 5.

“I enjoy long walks on the beach, holding hands, and cuddling.”  And wearing makeup and a mini skirt.

“I’ll treat you right”  Our definition of right may be different.  Why are you wearing shoes and out of the kitchen?  Can I borrow $20?

“I believe in being friends first.”  You know…in case you don’t believe in sex before marriage it’s not too late for me to get out.

“This is an up to date picture.”  Of someone that looks like me, but better looking.

“I’m athletic.”  Watching NASCAR is a sport…right?

“I don’t kiss and tell.”  That’s what the pay per view website is for.

“Looking for a soul mate.”  Looking for someone to fall for that line.

“I have strong family ties.”  Mom still washes my clothes for me.

“I’m very independent.”  So don’t ask about the smell of beer and the lipstick on the collar when I come home late.

“I enjoy camping out.”  Me, you, a tent, wilderness all around…nowhere for you to run to…

“I believe in equal rights for women.”  You’re buying dinner.

“Looking for the personality, not the good looks.”  I’ll pick the looks every time, though.

“Looking to meet new people.”  Everyone here already knows all my old tricks.

“Looking for someone fun.”  I.E. puts out.

“Tired of all the games.”  I don’t understand women at all.

For the men:

“Looking for an old fashioned guy.”  Reads too many romance novels.

“Loves animals.”  But your dogs are going up for adoption to make room for my 5 cats.

“Loves long walks…etc.”  Not going to put out.

“I’ll treat you right.”  Bring your check book.

“I believe in being friends first.”  Bring your checkbook, and I STILL won’t put out.

“This is an up to date picture.”  I have photoshop.

“My weight is…”  Nowhere near what I tell you.  Note!  Everyone chooses one weight category up or down from what they actually ARE…and I have no idea why…

“I don’t kiss on the first date.”  Or the second, the third…but maybe I’ll do OTHER things…bring your checkbook.

“Looking for a soul mate.”  Read too many romance novels.  Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan need to be stopped!

“I have very strong family ties.”  But they will hate you.

“I’m very independent.”  Usually grouped with the strong family ties, for some strange reason.  Means I have dad on speed dial.

“I enjoy the outdoors.”  Like the front lawn.  After you mow it for me.

“I believe in equality.”  Provided you treat me like a queen.  By the way, you’re buying dinner.

“Looking for personality, not looks.”  Still going to pick the jerk over the sweet guy though, because he’s cuter.

“Looking to meet new people.”  Because you’ll still bring your checkbook.

“Looking for someone fun!”  Fun for me, not you.  And don’t think that means I’ll put out.

“Tired of all the games.”  I’m lying about that.

And if anyone of any sex ever utters the phrase “I’ve been hurt before”, well…run.  Just…run.  Don’t look back.  Run.  I mean it.